My enemy the spa

We have a few pending issues at hand that seem to be flowing straight from my mind at 12:26am into this blog. Who knows whether I should post them, and whether or not they are even the slightest hint understandable (knowing me, the answer is probably no). But as I have discovered, I'm my own worst enemy sometimes, and need to get rid of at least a fraction of this upbuilt desire to explode.

Well, let me warn you all. Spas are incredibly dangerous and a recipe for potential complication. Oh yes, they may look alluring to the unprotected eye. But there is a possibility of a hidden trap. I'm not denying they include much fun and exciteable bubbles. I mean the fun is endless. There are bubbles. There is moving water. There is bare skin. Laughter keeps it all rolling along. It's a magnificant time to be had by all. If, however, you want to bring a level of personal responsiblity and dignity into the picture, it can begin to shake up the ideals that were once set in your mind. The wrinkly skin clouds the mind. The steam rises up & beyond expectations. I shall not say any more, but let's just say...the warning stands.

And just like that, I don't want to say any more. I'm over my head & heart constantly fighting. To be honest, I don't know how to stop it. But it's taking up everything I have left to yell at them. Every day. Every thought I have. It's constant. So I shall push on, let them fight all they want, and not interfere. It does seem easier that way.

Also, closing thought: Beautiful Turkish rugs mixed with a good book, hot chocolate and intense warth. Winter warmer for you all. It'll make your day.

Till we meet again...

Austria

It's funny how much I just want what I can't or don't have. In everything. And it's so frustrating! Honestly. Why would I do that to myself? Inflict pain. Cause heartache. Put clouds over my eyes. Cause excessive eating. Headaches from thinking and wishing too hard. All in all, it's a bad idea.
However, just last night, I found an amazing solution to this problem.

Pretend you're in Austria.

I know you probably think i'm absolutely insane and officially lost it. Maybe I have, but please bear with me. It's at least a beautiful thought, if nothing else.
The last few days I seem to have been watching numerous movies that travel to the wonderous countryside of Italy. Letters To Juliet. Beneath the Tuscan Sun. And all my wife (as she said in her blog, she's not really my wife, but if you know her, she basically is) & I have wanted to do while sitting late at night in bed is travel far & wide away from this freezing cold land called Ballarat. Basically, though, we can't. Monetary issues pose a problem. Plans. Uni. We just can't.
We discovered a great substitute though. We pretended that we were in Austria. We are renting a holiday house. We don't know anyone in this new exciting town. Although it's cold, it's a good cold because it's a new country. We've left all our problems behind at home. We're not here with men, we're here with each other. It's not romantic, but wonderfully fun.
And the amazing thing was, once my mindset was there up in the Austrian Alps, I no longer needed to go to romantic Italian wineries with a beautiful European man. I was set here in Austria with my best friend baking cakes that looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

The truth of it being, I didn't need to go to the other side of the world to be happy. I would still love to go to Italy tommorow if I could. But for the time being, I am so happy sitting in my warm room listening to James Taylor when I know full well that it is windy & cold outside. My beautiful wife is just down the hallway. There is minestrone soup to eat tommorow. There are a million adventures that I could take, all I have to do is choose.

The moral of this story...bring a litte Austria into your life (cliched I know. I'm sorry)

Till we meet again...

oh the joys of pondering

today i was driving through Creswick. and there were beautiful old oak trees lining the road. it was absolutely beautiful. as i drove through them all, i felt like i was in a movie. the sun peeking through the trees onto the road as i drove underneath them. it was gorgeous & a moment today that made me smile for the most insignificant yet special reason. I dont know why these things make me happy. but part of me is glad they do. i like being able to smile for the smallest things. it makes each day. each living moment. so much more special & enjoying. and that's wat life's about isn't it.

loving people can be so rewarding. it can fill each day with a joy not experienced for a long time or even ever before. it gives a reason to keep going. to keep waking each morning. to keep smiling. to keep reaching further. it's a joy & blessing that we are able to experience in life. it also can cause the biggest heartache. the saddest thoughts. the most amount of tears even shed. yet through all that negative, can come the shortest glimpses of sunlight. happiness. smiles. laughter. that joy again. which makes up for all that horribleness that loving someone can cause. i often dont understand this. how i can be living weeks in frustration, sadness, and heartache, yet ten minutes of dancing. or laughing. or talking. or just being. with that person. it makes up for everything. every tear. every harsh word. every moment of wondering wat im doing wrong. i think wen i see that person happy, it makes everything worth while. cause that's my aim. that's why i care so much. but oh, so frustrating. it is this that i dont understand. and will continue to ponder on my thoughts.

think on that people. think on that. i wish you well :)

Till we meet again...

discovering me

hey guess wat...it's sunny in Ballarat!
i know right. amazing. not to say it hasn't been pouring down rain earlier
...but that's irrelevant.

just thinking...this year has been probably the best of my life.
i'v learned so so much. about people. relationships. myself.
living. friendship. being myself & learning who i am.
it's been ridiculously hard. so so hard.
but it's cool. amazingly cool & rewarding.
i suppose i'm still in it too. ha! how weird.
but yes, definitely can tell i'm in the midst of life & learning right now.
but then, do we ever stop. like really, i suppose we don't.
particular points in life though bring out different & exciting things.

i was so scared at the start of this year to have to meet new people. discover new friendships.
but i look up on my wall of photos from this year & couldn't be happier.
it's beeen complicated. but amazing.
all the smiles i'v smiled.
all the laughing attacks i'v had.
all the tears i'v cried.
all the glitter, colour, costumes, curles, confusion.
friends i trust with my life.
people that hav made impacts upon my life.
friends who hav cried on my shoulder, made me laugh like crazy, & always been there for me.
i sometimes can't understand how this can come so quickly & amazingly.
but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

"SMILE"




Till we meet again...

life's representation

today i got a representation of my life performed to me.
it was incredible. something i just can't express in words.
and the strange coincidence of things.

white. dress was white. basket was white. i love white.
hearing past blogs being read out. so weird.
paint on balloons. i love the art of paint. i love balloons.
the fact that someone took the time to create something about my life. it's humbling.
miss Fiona Lacey, you are truly incredible.

also how i got so emotionally touched by performances that weren't necessarily sad. just amazingly touching and beautiful.
really, the creativity in a single person to create that is truly beyond how my mind can imagine.
i miss Ange. i miss Turks. their smiles. their lives. our crazy fights. our laughing attacks. i just can't wait to see them again.

im looking round my room. there is so much in here that makes me smile.
my bed. balloons on my bed. soft toys on my bed. blanket on my bed.
my walls. photos on the walls. the ever accumulating amount of memories that are making themselves known on the wall.
a princess tiara. 3D glasses.
pink 'short bustier'. pink warm slippers.

i seriously love life. sometimes i dont know why. sometimes people & situations can cause me to drown further than i want. but at other times, the excitement of finding newly found situations to play in is just a bit too cool. it's just life. i dont know why i stress about things.

"Ready for the Weekend"
by Calvin Harris

Till we meet again...

Last day alive

lately i'v been in a really contemplative & reflective of life.
i dont know why...actually i do, but its weird that it's due to something that happened.

i wonder what i would do if today was the last day i ever lived.
like imagine. wat would i do? who would i see?
thinking about it, i would just want to see everyone & everything.
money wouldn't be an issue. i could eat WHATEVER i want. i wouldnt need to worry about what people think of me. it would just be awesome.
i dont think i'd want to sleep. too much to see & do.
i'd really want to get on a plane with all my friends & family and travel to europe & do as much as i can in a day.
not think about my fears.
smile. and laugh. about nothing.
buy lots of flowers.
eat a chocolate eclair/profiterolle.
visit & big, exciting city.
and roll down green rolling hills.
make people's day so much better.
give them a reason to live.
actually tell people how i feel. honestly. openly.
not be scared.
appreciate absolutely everything that i see & experience.
register to be an organ donor.
make people happy.
stop living & checking facebook & TALK to him.
kiss someone. someone who i want to kiss with all my heart.
get a huge bunch of balloons.
sing.
stop waiting for the next thing in life to happen & just enjoy the moment.
be happy cause i know what's in store.



"I'll give you a world to conquer when you're grown"

-'I'd Give My Life for You'
Miss Saigon


Till we meet again...

insides

why does my brain & heart & mind & body & everything else just like to gang up on me.
they think they want something, then all of a sudden...BAM change direction.
want different things.
go crazy.
people ask why.
i dont know.
if i could go into my body & ask each part why they're doing things, wow wouldnt that be amazing.
i would actually know why i suddenly feel things or want things or get angry.
then maybe i could stop it.
people around me would be very happy as a result.
gah.
breathe jane breathe.
also, i hav found out today that im not very good at pretending to be perfectly fine.
got asked a LOT wat was wrong with me today.
argh this is why i study acting.

stupid hoons outside my window i can hear.
honestly Ballarat, get ur act together.

as a conclusion, i am so so happy despite wat has been written.
just leaning my head on the wall, as to release all pain & confusion in my back, head & heart.
gotta love life.
:)

WHY AM I NOT ASLEEP!!

Till we meet again...