discovering me

hey guess wat...it's sunny in Ballarat!
i know right. amazing. not to say it hasn't been pouring down rain earlier
...but that's irrelevant.

just thinking...this year has been probably the best of my life.
i'v learned so so much. about people. relationships. myself.
living. friendship. being myself & learning who i am.
it's been ridiculously hard. so so hard.
but it's cool. amazingly cool & rewarding.
i suppose i'm still in it too. ha! how weird.
but yes, definitely can tell i'm in the midst of life & learning right now.
but then, do we ever stop. like really, i suppose we don't.
particular points in life though bring out different & exciting things.

i was so scared at the start of this year to have to meet new people. discover new friendships.
but i look up on my wall of photos from this year & couldn't be happier.
it's beeen complicated. but amazing.
all the smiles i'v smiled.
all the laughing attacks i'v had.
all the tears i'v cried.
all the glitter, colour, costumes, curles, confusion.
friends i trust with my life.
people that hav made impacts upon my life.
friends who hav cried on my shoulder, made me laugh like crazy, & always been there for me.
i sometimes can't understand how this can come so quickly & amazingly.
but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

"SMILE"




Till we meet again...

life's representation

today i got a representation of my life performed to me.
it was incredible. something i just can't express in words.
and the strange coincidence of things.

white. dress was white. basket was white. i love white.
hearing past blogs being read out. so weird.
paint on balloons. i love the art of paint. i love balloons.
the fact that someone took the time to create something about my life. it's humbling.
miss Fiona Lacey, you are truly incredible.

also how i got so emotionally touched by performances that weren't necessarily sad. just amazingly touching and beautiful.
really, the creativity in a single person to create that is truly beyond how my mind can imagine.
i miss Ange. i miss Turks. their smiles. their lives. our crazy fights. our laughing attacks. i just can't wait to see them again.

im looking round my room. there is so much in here that makes me smile.
my bed. balloons on my bed. soft toys on my bed. blanket on my bed.
my walls. photos on the walls. the ever accumulating amount of memories that are making themselves known on the wall.
a princess tiara. 3D glasses.
pink 'short bustier'. pink warm slippers.

i seriously love life. sometimes i dont know why. sometimes people & situations can cause me to drown further than i want. but at other times, the excitement of finding newly found situations to play in is just a bit too cool. it's just life. i dont know why i stress about things.

"Ready for the Weekend"
by Calvin Harris

Till we meet again...

Last day alive

lately i'v been in a really contemplative & reflective of life.
i dont know why...actually i do, but its weird that it's due to something that happened.

i wonder what i would do if today was the last day i ever lived.
like imagine. wat would i do? who would i see?
thinking about it, i would just want to see everyone & everything.
money wouldn't be an issue. i could eat WHATEVER i want. i wouldnt need to worry about what people think of me. it would just be awesome.
i dont think i'd want to sleep. too much to see & do.
i'd really want to get on a plane with all my friends & family and travel to europe & do as much as i can in a day.
not think about my fears.
smile. and laugh. about nothing.
buy lots of flowers.
eat a chocolate eclair/profiterolle.
visit & big, exciting city.
and roll down green rolling hills.
make people's day so much better.
give them a reason to live.
actually tell people how i feel. honestly. openly.
not be scared.
appreciate absolutely everything that i see & experience.
register to be an organ donor.
make people happy.
stop living & checking facebook & TALK to him.
kiss someone. someone who i want to kiss with all my heart.
get a huge bunch of balloons.
sing.
stop waiting for the next thing in life to happen & just enjoy the moment.
be happy cause i know what's in store.



"I'll give you a world to conquer when you're grown"

-'I'd Give My Life for You'
Miss Saigon


Till we meet again...

insides

why does my brain & heart & mind & body & everything else just like to gang up on me.
they think they want something, then all of a sudden...BAM change direction.
want different things.
go crazy.
people ask why.
i dont know.
if i could go into my body & ask each part why they're doing things, wow wouldnt that be amazing.
i would actually know why i suddenly feel things or want things or get angry.
then maybe i could stop it.
people around me would be very happy as a result.
gah.
breathe jane breathe.
also, i hav found out today that im not very good at pretending to be perfectly fine.
got asked a LOT wat was wrong with me today.
argh this is why i study acting.

stupid hoons outside my window i can hear.
honestly Ballarat, get ur act together.

as a conclusion, i am so so happy despite wat has been written.
just leaning my head on the wall, as to release all pain & confusion in my back, head & heart.
gotta love life.
:)

WHY AM I NOT ASLEEP!!

Till we meet again...

2am

it usually is the lonely late nights that i'm inspired to write another blog.
the freezing cold ballarat air drives my brain into blog mode.
my lack of sleep doesn't seem to influence the fact that i'm still up writing this thing at 2am.
and it's not even important that i write it.
i hav assignments due.
lot's. heaps.
too many.
yet i'm staying up to the early hours of the morning writing my BLOG.
my blog.
honestly wat possesses me sometimes.
and now that i've started, i'm not particularly inspired to write about anything interesting.

my day consisted of sleeping, sitting, watching lots of movies, washing dishes, yelling at myself, laughing, cooking, eating, being grossed out more than once, finding the changing of colours on the tv "on/off" light very intriguing, driving, admiring my photo collage on my bedroom wall, showering, breathing, shivering....

friends make me happy.
whether i'v known them for years & years or only a month or so, they each play a role in my life.
and i find each and every one so so special to me.
Hair is not near me or able to pop in any time he likes, yet he made me the happiest i felt all day.
making spaggetti with a new but fantastic friend tonight.
knowing that Turks my most best friend, will always forever be home waiting for me.
the special few that i hold so close to my heart yet miss dearly at the moment.
and the complications that come with people, i am slowly discovering.
it's all just a little too much sometimes.
can't face hurting people.
addressing issues that would easiest be left unsaid.
trying to work out wat's happening inside my heart and mind.
and always having to be in control of my life & how i live it.
then dealing with downfalls that i sometimes wish hadn't happened.
learning to live with people.
well not really other people i suppose.
it's really learning to live with yourself.
i'm finding that hard.
i'm so annoying.
yelled a lot at myself today.
ah.
life.
how do we do it?


"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God..."
-1 Peter 5:6

Till we meet again...

hols

embarassingly i am going to admit that for the past hour or so, i hav been trying to find my gmail address that i thought i had created for this blog.
i looked up troubleshooter, help, everything i could think of.
sat here frustrated as anything.
then realise after long & painful headaches, that i didn't create it and the address used for my blog was my old email address.
GAH!!!
i suppose i'm relieved at the same time, but really really really frustrated at the past hour

but i am updating my blog because apparenly i haven't written for a while, which is true.
and Hair told me to update it.
i feel sort of loved wen someone misses it.
really didn't think it was that important.
even if it is for one person.
i would do it for just that one person anyway.
i suppose my random words and tangents may entertain people at times.
or maybe i'm just rambling on again for my own entertainment...

so since my last post, i hav lived.
continued on.
breathing.
smiling.
just living.

last week of uni i had a stressful assignment due.
i admit i made it stressful out of my own accordance in leaving it to the last minute.
BUT still...
it was stressful.
but then i finished it. thanx to a block of cadbury milk chocolate.
and uni finished and everything finished.
and i went home.
and it was nice.
really nice.

the last week has been the highlight of my holidays tho.
not saying Easter wasn't great.
it was.
i spent quality time with my family and overall had a wonderful time.
but this week i feel like i'v been out & doing things.
making use of my time.
seeing wonderful people.
and spending quality time.

monday was spent seeing smiles.
was intrigued at the oddly parked car i travelled in.
began watching the footy cause someone didn't want to go to the actual match *cough cough*
then moved on to Alias which was a new experience for me.
i hav now found i like Alias.
i may watch it again.
met up with Turks and her man in the city, and walked around for a while with them, wasting time before our train departed.
i'm pretty sure i just exploded with everything that was on my mind to her.
just walking round the city.
coming out with random things that came to mind.
probably mid-sentence.
Juice totally zoned out.
i asked him for his opinion.
he had no idea wat we were talking about.
wat is it with men and listening.

wednesday i went to luna park with scottie and Edicans for scottie's pre-birthday celebrations.
but of course, it started with the train ride.
ah the train ride.
well i ended up sitting next to a man.
from africa i think.
who ended up finding out that i danced.
well didn't that lead to such exciting topic and conversation...FOR THE REST OF THE TRIP.
he was very intrigued with my life.
whether i was single.
how old i was.
how much i danced a week.
wat i did for fun.
i was so scared that i didn't dare take out my phone in case he made me give him his number.
and apparently was staring at me as i walked away...far away.
yea it was interesting.
but then got to luna park and all was good.
after about 5 rides felt sick.
yea that never seems to happen to me.
hmmmm...

saw Hair on thursday.
had a picnic.
it was so so amazing to see him again.
i miss him so much and hate being in ballarat for the lack of seeing him (or maybe hate that he isn't in ballarat wen he so closely could be)
we ended up at his place.
that is where taking spontaneous trams and buses leads you.
we had a glorious time sitting at his table singing songs at the top of our lungs & dancing in the small amount of space we had.
however much to my dismay i got attacked my his most gorgeous adorable dog whome i love to bits.
and i thought he like me...
then came home and spent the rest of the evening with the family & harvard who decided to plonk himself at our doorstep for the night.

spent yesterday shopping with my dear mother of mine.
it was surprisingly lot's of fun.
starting to get worried cause my mum is beginning to look better than me wen we go out.
but i'm happy for her :)

tommorow i go back to the small dingy mining town of ballarat.
hopefully will get some work done this week.
but am very happy that i seem to be the only one who is still on holidays next week.
sucks to be you everyone else.

i appologise prefusively that this has been soo long.
or maybe you got bored and hav not reached this far.
either way, i'm sorry.
i tend to get carried away and talk too much.
but i still love you all.
you just need to tell me to shut up at times.
i totally understand.
i annoy myself too.
like now.
so i will leave you to continue on with the rest of your days & activities.


"Casting the whole of your care on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."
-1 Peter 5:7

Till we meet again...

inspiration

so i just sat down & read exfoliate's blog while watching August Rush.
and i just want to say that yes although the internet doesn't quite convey tone or deep emotion, i could feel the happiness seeping through the bright green words that were being written.
her smile i could see right before my eyes.
the melbourne uni setting that i would learn to love if i had the chance.
her amazing presence i want to see again so badly.
the endless talks i would hav all over again.
the sparkle that she always has in her eyes.
and the amount of love i feel wenever im around her.
this inspires me.
music inspires me.
my friends inspire me.
my family inspires me.
to reach for dreams.
continue dreaming.
go beyond anything i could ever think of.
take risks.
embrace youth.
but at the same time embrace growing up.
enjoy every single chill i get through my body.
music & love.
they go hand in hand.
both give me chills.
both make me smile.
both need emotion to function.
they're both wat i long for in life.
they're both wat keeps me going at times.

i'm happy.
a bit confused.
but how is that out of the ordinary.
starting to understand people.
smiling.
i can't wait till 4:30 thursday.


Till we meet again...